SERBIA & MONTENEGRO v Ivory Coast

Apparently there are 40,000 Serbs in London. I don’t believe a word of it. I had shared a pub with what seemed like all 3,400 London Croatians the other night, but I just couldn’t find any Serbs.

Maybe someone got a decimal point in the wrong place, or maybe that 40,000 figure includes Kosovans. I knew there were lots of Kosovans in London, but I was pretty sure they wouldn’t be supporting Serbia & Montenegro.

My problem was that it didn’t seem like anyone else was either. I was dealt a major blow when I found out that the Serbian Community Centre would be closed again for the Ivory Coast game, even though it was in the evening. I was worried that there may be a lack of enthusiasm for their last World Cup game after they’d been hammered 6-0 by Argentina and now that they were definitely out.

And then I realised I had another problem, which I had inexplicably failed to foresee. I didn’t even know if any pubs would be showing the game, since it was on at the same time as the top-of-the-table clash between Holland and Argentina, which most punters would rather see.

So I was buoyed when I called the pub where I had failed to find any Serbs for their Argentina game. They had two big screens and would be showing both games. And they were expecting some Serbs!

But it wasn’t very busy when I got there with 15 minutes to go, but I got a drink and took my seat in front of the Serbia screen, hoping it would start to fill up nearer kick-off.

It was a nice set-up, with footie photography exhibited on the walls, and a clear view of both screens, although with commentary just for Holland v Argentina, which made watching Serbia & Montenegro a rather surreal experience.

It would have been the perfect venue in which to spend the four final days of the group stages, and watch an unprecedented four World Cup games a day! But I had other things on my mind.

There were a couple of reasonably Serbian-looking men among the crowd, but they didn’t seem particularly interested in the game; I think I was the only punter paying any attention to it. The other half of the pub was packed with viewers for Holland v Argentina, while I was more or less on my own. If we were on a boat it would have capsized.

My worst fears were realised when Serbia & Montenegro scored. I clapped but there was not a flicker of recognition from my fellow viewers. I hoped there were no other World Cup nerds there like myself who were ticking me off as the Serb with whom they had seen the game. I was trying to decide what to do when they scored again. No-one seemed to notice. I was off.

The trouble with Serbian websites is that they’re all in Serbian script. I had been on one which had a picture of a Serb footballer and a link to a bar on Victoria Embankment. I had no idea what it said, but it was my last chance.

I hurried down there (although I was starting to find it hard to find the energy to hurry anywhere), only to find it empty apart from a few be-suited drinkers enjoying a post-work pint. I turned to leave.

But on my way out I noticed they had a downstairs bar. I investigated. But it was just as empty and it turned out they were showing Holland v Argentina. I had failed.

I had seen 28 of the 32 teams I wanted to watch with their fans. But now I knew that I couldn’t make it to all 32. I had never expected to fail on Serbia & Montenegro. I had found Costa Ricans, Paraguayans, Ivorians, Ukrainians, Angolans, Saudis and many others, but no Serbs.

I resolved to pull out all the stops to make it to 31.